


White Noise

by shenkleys



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Gen, Identity Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-26 20:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18185288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shenkleys/pseuds/shenkleys
Summary: post s2e8: Ash struggles alone during solitary confinement in his quarters.~Maybe his mind really broke, maybe he changed the time, make it seem like nothing was different to him. Maybe Pike was right, he can’t trust himself~





	White Noise

**Author's Note:**

> oof haven't posted anything here in a while, it's extremely embarrassing reading earlier works now. hope everyone who loves Ash enjoys this piece, he's my absolute fav char on Discovery, and one of my top favs in the entire Trek franchise ;__;

(art by me)

***

_**“i’ve learned that Section 31 has accessed invasive neurological tech. maybe they used it on you.”  
** _

_**“maybe you don’t even know you’re doing it.”  
** _

_**“i’d know if i did something like that.”  
** _

_**“i can’t afford to take your word for it, and neither can you.”** _

_**\- s2e8** _

***

Could he have done it?

No, impossible, he would know.  _I would know._

The figure in the mirror sneers back at him and Ash looks away, wet hands covering his face, water trickling down his beard, neck… the rim of his collar is soaked. He has been locked in his quarters for 2 hours 17 minutes, and he has washed his hands 8 times.

_I’ll get it clean_ , Ash blindly thinks, putting his hands under the running water again. There’s something there, just stitched into his palm that he can’t get out. He had tried on Qo'noS whenever he got alone time. Whenever he didn’t have to stand tall, act brave and strong, surrounded by vipers curling around his ankles waiting for him to fall. He knows it’s there, he can see it.  _It’s right there, just under… I can almost reach it…_

9 times.

The water tints pink. Oh, he scraped off some skin. Ash squints. Was his blood red or pink? He can’t see, it’s so dark. Why are his quarters so dark? He thought he had adjusted the lights when he came in. He glances up again only to see the figure in front of him snickering back.

“Don’t.”

His own voice sounds so weak to his ears, and he tears his eyes away from the figure again, looking down at his hands. They’re shaking, bleeding ever so slightly, and Ash can’t even register the pain. He knows he should be feeling something, but he can’t.  _Why?_  His breath hitches.  _Why?!_

His head automatically whips to the ship clock as his fingers wring at his beard, brief panic rising in his chest. In 2 hours 17 minutes, he has looked at the clock 23 times. Oh, he’s keeping track now, ever since…  _since._  He makes sure of it. Counts every single time he glances at the clock, counts how long has passed each time inbetween them. That way… that way he’ll know.  _I’ll know._

_You could’ve reset it._

Ash’s eyes snap back to the figure.

“What?”

_You could’ve reset the time. Tampered with the ship’s chronometre… fool yourself. Maybe you lost time after all._

“No! No… that’s not… that’s impossible. I’d know.”

_I’d know. I’d know._

The figure merely grins back at him, enjoying every moment. Would he, though? Maybe his mind really broke, maybe he changed the time, make it seem like nothing was different to him. Maybe Pike was right, he can’t trust himself. Maybe-

Ash shuts his eyes, shaking his head, raw hands gripping the sides of the sink hard.

“I’m Lieutenant Ash Tyler. I grew up in Seattle. My mother was a teacher. I went to Starfleet Academy.”

His whispering sounds feverish but he recites it, a repeated mantra like barbed wire pulled from his throat, eyes squeezed tight while he struggles to balance his weight on his shaking arms.

“I’m Lieutenant Ash Tyler, I’m Lieutenant Ash Tyler…”

The figure in the mirror laughs.

_Are you?_

 

_*_


End file.
